Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Short Story "The Bell Curve" Part Three
I met Krista at a party one of my best friends had thrown. I briefly said hello to her before she slipped into a empty room with another friend of mine. I later found out that he was one of her many. At school the next week we crossed paths again, this time she more interested than me. As my friends looked on at me from our usual lunchroom table she spoke to me in a confidence I did not have, she wrangled me with her words. It was like power, her power. She had it over me, and everybody else. It was simple, hello, do you remember me, yes I do. Why don't you call me tonight she said as she grabbed my hand and etched her phone number into my palm. I kept looking at her, not caring what she wrote, she was beautiful to me, already my first love. She had long natural red hair with all the perks that came with it; pale skin, freckles and a short temper. Nervousness began.
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Great stuff T.R. Lot's of powerful emotion in all three of these pieces. I'm looking forward to see where this goes.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be sending you some readers this morning, so be prepared to visit their blogs and return the favor!
Hi T.R! Nice to meet you! I'm over from Matt's blog. Great writing! :o)
ReplyDeleteLOved these : I really like the snapshot approach you're using. "Her father shot himself in the head with a shotgun years before I met her." is as good an opening line as I've ever read.
ReplyDeleteIn the line "this time she more interested than me" is there a "was" missing? Not sure, just thought I'd mention it!
Found you via Matthew's blog.
Hello! Just shot over from Matt's blog! Nice piece!
ReplyDeleteTR may or may not have time to come back to respond today, so I'll just point out that these stories of his have not been fully edited, so yes, there could be some typos, but I think the line that Simon mentions is intentional. I'll have to ask.
ReplyDeleteIt's a pleasure to meet you, TR! These posts do have a rough edge to them but they're still well worth the read. It's awesome that you're seriously considering becoming a career writer. Not all writers go for the novel route. Some can become very effective short story authors.
ReplyDeleteMatthew: I read the line that Simon mentions and it came across as a purposeful line, not a typo. It seemed to fit the MC's voice rather well, actually.
i loved the bit about her red hair in this segment, but i do think (forgive me if i'm overstepping!) that it would have more punch if you didn't mention the red hair in the second excerpt. :) excellent story so far! welcome to the blogosphere! :)
ReplyDeleteOver here from Matthew's blog! Thanks for sharing your writing and keep at it!
ReplyDeleteThis is great T! You have a natural gift for establishing tension. Love it--the etched number, the sense of amazement, the physical descriptions. Good stuff~
ReplyDeleteOh, and Hello! Matt sent me. ;p
Love part 3. Going to have to catch up on 1&2. I love how you paint a picture verbally...raw Emotions and all.
ReplyDeleteI love to read stories from the male POV. Great voice in this. Love how she writes on his palm. I haven't caught the beginning or end, but already intrigued.
ReplyDeleteCame over from Matthew's blog. Now a follower ;)
Hi T - Found you through Matt's blog.
ReplyDelete. . . already my first love.
It so comes on that strong when it wants too.=D
Hey, nice. Love the opening line of the story - excellent hook. Draws you right in.
ReplyDeleteHello everyone,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great comments. I look forward to reading your stories as well.
"Matthew: I read the line that Simon mentions and it came across as a purposeful line, not a typo. It seemed to fit the MC's voice rather well, actually."
ReplyDeleteI thought it sounded better when I wrote it. It reads faster, just makes more sense in the context of the story.
The narrator's voice is terrific. I would follow him anywhere. Lots of emotion, with just enough description. Can't wait to see what happens!
ReplyDelete